Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
