I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I did not marry a roomba.
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