Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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