Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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