Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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