I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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