In the future we'll all be gay
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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