i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
