she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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