i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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