you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
