Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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