My first STD was from a foam party
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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