Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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