I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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