i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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