i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
