is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
