I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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