how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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