WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
