I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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