"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
