discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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