My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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