I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
