I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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