when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
