i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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