my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
