God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
