Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
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Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
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I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire