My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
