Say something about gay babies.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
