if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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