Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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