Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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