I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
