What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
