How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
