All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
