would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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