She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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