I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
