It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
