Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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