I think I just saw someone hide a body.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
