Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
