I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
