hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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