Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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