he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
