i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
