My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
