Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
