if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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