Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
