Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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