Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
