i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
